Confession XLXII

enough |iˈnəf|

adjective & pronoun

as much or as many as required

• used to indicate that one is unwilling to tolerate any more of something undesirable

adverb

1 to the required degree or extent (used after an adjective, adverb, or verb); adequately : before he was old enough to shave | you're not big enough for basketball.

2 to a moderate degree; fairly : he can get there easily enough | he seems nice enough.

Then they returned to Jerusalem from the mount called Olivet, which is near Jerusalem, a Sabbath day’s journey away.  (Acts 1:12)

My breath is caught in my chest.  High up in my chest, like I need to yell, scream, shout, rant, rage, run away till I’m out of breath and out of land and out of sight from everything that is me in this world.

I want to be alone.

The roads are wet.  Nighttime.  Lights on flashing, spinning going all crazy-like as cars speed through intersections at rush hour home.  The weekend, but nothing’s really ending at all; it’s merely all being put on hold for another day.  Monday.  Two days coming.  The weekend’s never enough.

I would have given anything to be back with my love.  To have her in my arms.  Hold her.  But life won’t allow that for me right now, it’s not like that right now. 

I know I’m not the only one.

Then they returned to Jerusalem from the mount called Olivet, which is near Jerusalem, a Sabbath day’s journey away.  (Acts 1:12)

“Long distance relationships are tough,” she said.  “They wear on you emotionally. They get under your skin, you know.”

I said, “Yeah, I know,” and returned to my work.  I said it like some scientific expert on some way too tough to even pronounce disease.  Said it like there was no breath left in me.  I didn’t even want to be at work.  Said it semi-depressive, but I don’t even know who I can turn to, who I can tell.  Said it like I’ve had enough.

The phone calls aren’t good enough anymore.  For the first time, the letter writing made me sad.  The talking online, the emailing, the communication through waves and clouds, oceans and skies, and all that’s in between; it’s just not good enough anymore.  I need to be with her.  I need to see her.  I need her to know that whenever she’s having a “freak-out session” that I am right down the street and will come running to be beside her.  I need her to know that we’ll work out fine when it comes to daily life and sharing close quarters.  But I am miles away, and that’s not good enough.

Then they returned to Jerusalem from the mount called Olivet, which is near Jerusalem, a Sabbath day’s journey away.  (Acts 1:12)

I am not the only one that feels this way.  I’m not the only one who’s lost a love to distance and time.  I’m not the only one that’s ever wanted to quit everything so I could go be with her.  I’m not the only one who’s felt depressed when I realize the reality of “I can’t.”

But then again, what’s holding me back?  Really, I could just drop everything and go be with her.  I could risk the flight over, risk the detention at Heathrow, risk the interrogation again, risk the 7 hours of sleeping on chairs, and risk the possibility of not being allowed into the country.  Because, when it comes to following love, what is enough?

Maybe the question should be phrased, “What isn’t enough?”  “What am I not giving?  Sacrificing?”  The question doesn’t include, “What am I called to give?”  Or, “What’s expected of me?”  Because love itself, for no other reason, simply loves; it does not expect and it does not have a quota to meet.

Well, you say to me, “No – I can’t get through this.  I can’t do this – no, no it’s not me; it’s? It’s way too big for me.  This whole situation I’m stuck in.  This whole life story down in the digs – this thing that is me and around me...I just can’t.”  And you say it after you’ve lost all breath like there’s no other way, like you’re actually not getting through it.  And for a moment you’ve convinced me that this one time God’s not going to pull through and give you just enough grace to make it. 

Because to God, what is enough?

Then they returned to Jerusalem from the mount called Olivet, which is near Jerusalem, a Sabbath day’s journey away.  (Acts 1:12)

Even after Christ was taken from the disciples, their first love, their passion, their reason for living – even after all of that was taken, they still went on with life.  Because Christ himself was not enough, but Christ in this world – well, that’s it.  It’s like, now the disciples weren’t just meant to be with Christ, they were meant to live as Christ did.  They were meant to continue.

And the Sabbath was the beginning.  The washing themselves, the making themselves clean, the removing the evil of their deeds from before their eyes was the start.  The ceasing to do evil, but learning good; the seeking justice and correcting oppression; the bringing justice to the fatherless and pleading the widows’ cause – that, that was the very beginning of Christianity (Isaiah 1:16&17).

And today’s Christianity is still not enough.

My “Christian walk” is not enough.  I’m meant to continue even though I’ve seen my love off.  I’m meant to journey that Sabbath.  I’m meant to do right by those who’ve been wronged.  And I’m meant to love for no other reason than to love.

I told her, “I love you.”  Then hung up the phone.

Love itself doesn’t end even though your love’s gone.  So continue on.