Confession XLXIV

I sat at water’s edge watching a sunset trapped frozen in waves.  Stared through the horizon.  Gone. 

She sighed.  Let out months separated, March May, she came in July and left before August turned October November new year, one year gone.  Let it all out like depression depressed, unpressed traveling back in time to when they first met.  And all the two years gone became more breath for the wind.  Her long sigh ended when she said, “Goodbye love.  Come soon.  Good.  Love -Bye.”

There was no trail to her words.  The phone cut all ties.  And their separate lives went on separated still.

For the Lord your God has blessed you in all the work of your hands.  He knows your going through this great wilderness.  These forty years the Lord your God has been with you.  You have lacked nothing.  (Deuteronomy 2:7)

If the world can actually look cold outside, then it’s seemingly cold right now and I’m glad I’m by a fire.  But if the world can look cold for other reasons rather than a wintry cold, then it still looks cold outside.  Cold because a love separated.  Cold because she’s not sitting in the next seat at the table.  Cold because I’m up while she’s sleeping.  Cold because – well, because I’m missing her.

And there’s this theme of trust playing out more and more in my life.  This theme of “Yeah, things will get better soon.  Things will work out soon.  Things won’t always be gone like phone calls – gone; time together – gone, where holidays aren’t holidays any longer and the everyday of life, love and God are here to stay.”  That sort of trust where it’s like, “God, you know I’m always up for a good thrill ride, but what’s with this whole long long line waiting?  And what’s up with those people cutting me in line way up there?  Why does that door magically open for them? and I’m here – here, still.”

Each one of those questions is rooted in this idea of trusting God.  This idea that God has it all sorted so I should just relax.  This idea that God’s in control and I should be happy with it.  And I’m not just talking about being happy, contented, or cool with God being in control of one miniscule situation.  No.  It’s a matter of constant serenity for life, for situation after situation, for hours of line waiting.

He knows your going through this great wilderness.  These forty years the Lord your God has been with you.    (Deuteronomy 2:7)

With you.  With you.  The Lord your God has been with you.  These forty years.  With you. These forty years the Lord your God has been with you. 

I sat at water’s edge watching the seagulls fly in a roofless shelter. Silent.  Sunsets.  Mixing day tonight.  And night to moon.  Looked at how it all works.  How Creation constantly creates recreates, revels marvels, marvelously reminiscing and never missing a key stroke when it comes to progression.  I looked through a horizon and knew it works.

God simply works and we must learn to simply trust in his workings.

You have lacked nothing.  (Deuteronomy 2:7)