It seems like just yesterday I drove you home from the airport. I made a playlist on my iPod for you. I wanted the ride home to be perfect. I wanted you to have your own soundtrack so you could remember each moment in song.
I waited anxiously in the lobby. Terminal E. I got there way too early; I didn’t want to be late. But I forgot flowers. They were at home waiting for you in your soon to be bedroom-for-a-month. With a card. And then there was the story I wrote you. Orange polka dotted journal with poems and dreams and hopes and life and – well, I waited to write, “I Love You” till the very end because that’s the one thing I wanted you to hold onto the most. It didn’t matter if you forgot the whole story because soon we’d get to make it up as we go. But I always wanted you to keep those words in mind, on heart and hide them deep in your eyes. No other words would fit.
I waited for months to tell you. I tested the world with those words. I fought to find out if I really meant them; I found it was all true. I tested them in prayer. And God gave me more love to give to you. I tested my tongue and kept patience, kept silence; I wouldn’t let love arouse itself before it so desired.
And now I wait again to tell you in person.
“But we have to wait my darling. My love. The timing isn’t right for us to be together, walk together side by side and each in hand till...”
Behold, you are beautiful, my beloved,
behold, you are beautiful.
Words seem worthless today. I try calling you, but it fails; you didn’t pick up. I wait for you to call; you never called. I try writing you, but all I write over and over is “I miss you.” And words are worthless because they cannot convey how heartsick I am for you. They cannot show the struggle of being without you but only wanting you – here, with me. They cannot yell as loud as my lungs let loose when I realize I’m here without you. And that realization haunts me every day.
They cannot capture your beauty.
They cannot hold your hand for me.
They cannot kiss you goodnight.
They cannot wake you up.
They cannot tickle you when you’re ticklish after some wine.
They cannot laugh with you and joke with you and poke fun at you.
They cannot watch you as you walk up to me – slow motion, near motionless with your dress dancing in a breeze, flowered and summer-sun-lit like you are the main attraction.
They cannot hug you, hold you, squeeze you till you laugh like it’s all a reminder that I’ll never let you go.
They cannot run fingers through your hair.
They cannot make millions of faces at you.
They cannot pick you up and swing you around.
They cannot bring you out for dinner.
They cannot walk you home at night.
They cannot listen to you.
They cannot lie with you in the sun; try protecting you from sunburns even if Marconi beach burns your bum to the point that you cannot sit down without a blanket.
They cannot carry all of your belongings for you or shoulder your burdens or be there like a friend, one of those friends who stays up with you all night to make sure you dream sweetly even if the next day brings you an excess amount of stress.
They cannot bring you to coffee shops or out for tea.
They cannot pack a picnic, drive to the beach, then sit in the car like its our blanket because we’re acting like the day is perfect even in the rain.
They cannot play truth or dare with you.
They cannot play cards with you.
They cannot watch movies with you.
They cannot nap with you on the couch.
They cannot go for long drives with you, alone on back roads through forests and round the lakes up to
They cannot be intimate with you.
They cannot love you like I love you.
Behold, you are beautiful, my love,
behold, you are beautiful!
I don’t know if you’ve ever been so heartsick that it keeps you awake at night. Like a restless insomniac. Or like a person who just likes looking at the stars.
I keep the blinds open at night. Sometimes I lay there looking out. Tonight I wandered into a field. I fled from all the lights. I traipsed into the unknown till it was me and the heavens shooting their rocks like marbles flaring through the moon’s veil. And I thought of you.
You are altogether beautiful, my love;
there is no flaw in you.
I thought maybe I could catch her a star. But the stars seemed out of reach tonight. And yet I couldn’t get over the wonder and awe of a God who’s created constellations to connect the dots from adventure to life – a life in the wild in the raw naked sky. I got lost looking up.
This might sound like gibberish to you. You might say I’m out of my mind. But when you’re in love there’s nothing else you think about. You spend your days waiting to go home and see her. You keep spinning your phone in your hand just in case she calls. You sit down to write her letters but you never finish them because you tell her what you wrote before you send it off.
Love is a continual action, an obsession of sorts, but healthy in every degree.
You have captivated my heart...
you have captivated my heart with
one glance of your eyes.
She told me once, “You can’t help who you fall in love with, but you have to choose what you do about it.”
I told her I missed her. Said I’d be seeing her soon. Said I’d bring jewels and wonders from far off lands.
She laughed and thought I was crazy, but she said, “I love you.”
And I was content to wait one more day.
How beautiful is your love...
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