Confession XLX

“I’ll see you sooner than you think.”

She was silent.  She barely even looked at me.  But I’m not sure if she could look at me.  It wasn’t because I upset her.  It wasn’t any malicious act against me.  She just stared out the window and I bet she knew the airport was approaching quickly.

The sunrise was beautiful.  I don’t think I’ve seen anything like it before.  As it aged the horizon kept dropping, but the clouds stayed on one level.  There was a clear divide between cloud and sky then sky and horizon.  And the sun shone with all the brilliance of thousands of years of practice.

“I have hope.  You’ll see me again in January.”

She looked over not even knowing what to say.  [Silence.]

I watched my love walk into Terminal E.  And I drove away.

So when they had come together, they asked him, “Lord, will you at this time restore the kingdom of Israel?”  He said to them, “It is not for you to know the times or season that the Father has fixed by his own authority.  But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth” (Acts 1:6-8).

I don’t know when I’ll see her again.  I don’t know why it has to be this way.  I don’t know how to change our not being together.  I simply don’t know.  And I’ve asked the Lord.  I’ve sought him out for all of this.  Asked, “Why me God?  Why can’t we be together?  Why couldn’t I at least live in the same country so maybe I could just walk to her house?”

And it seems as though God’s been silent on the matter.  Or maybe he’s re-focusing my outlook on life.  Maybe he’s taking my eyes off my own plight and heartache so that I can see the famous “bigger” picture of life. 

All too often I get caught up in my own affairs.  It’s all about me: 

I don’t have enough money to go out tonight. 

I don’t have enough time to go to the gym.

I can’t take two hours out of my time to sit down and write or study the Bible.

Then I pass the homeless man in Boston.  He asks me for change. And I say, “Sorry, I have no change.”  Well, that’s true.  But there’s also probably an ATM right around the corner.  There’s probably a McDonald’s, a Tedeschi’s, or any sort of food-carrying store right behind where this homeless man stands.  And of course there are American Eagles, Macy’s, H&M’s, J C Penny’s, and plenty of places to buy him a pair of socks, or shoes or even a jacket.  But no.  I can’t. 

I can’t give to another human being when he asks me simply for a little change.

And in the end I am appalling.

So when they had come together, they asked him, “Lord, will you at this time restore the kingdom of Israel?”  He said to them, “It is not for you to know the times or season that the Father has fixed by his own authority.  But...” (Acts 1:6-7)

Don’t focus on yourself.  But don’t merely concern yourself with your own situations and your own walks in life and your own mistakes and failings and happiness, sadness, hurt, tears, joys, wonderful moments, lasting memories – don’t merely consume yourself with you.

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth” (Acts 1:8).

I couldn’t stop thinking about her as I drove away.  I kept wondering when I’d see her again.  Kept wondering if this is truly the way it’s meant to be for now.  Kept wanting to go back to the airport and stop her from getting on the plane.  Wanted to make our goodbye longer so it would never turn into a goodbye.  I wanted to be with my love.  That’s all.

But God immediately took me in another direction.  He didn’t have to tell me I’d be all right.  He didn’t have to tell me everything would work out.  Because he already did that in the three weeks he gave me to spend with her.  But he had to tell me to look elsewhere, to look to the ends of the earth.

Just like he took the disciples’ eyes off their passion, he took my eyes off my love.  And he placed them on greater things to come.  He showed me the world.  He told me I would go out and change the world.  He told me that I had the power to do so because he had given me the power.  And he reminded me of his promise to never leave me. 

Sometimes life is way too much to handle and too easily we get caught up in ourselves.  But God’s got something so far beyond the magnitude of our troubles and our self.  And it seems like the grand scheme of life is to go, and to serve and to simply do.

So may you set your eyes not on yourself, but on others.  And may you find that God’s given you the world.  All that’s required of you is to do something and to do it for the sole reason that you love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind and your neighbor as yourself (Luke 10:27).