just;
all his precepts are trustworthy.
- Psalm 111: 7
Here I am: just some guy who enjoys going to church, who tries opening the Word on a not-so-regular basis, and who, for some reason, is completely in love with a Being not of this world. I can't even see God. I don't hear God like some crazy famous actor's voice coming out of parting clouds telling me, "If you build it they will come." This whole Christian-walk-faith-journey-thing isn't like that for me.
I don't shake at church during worship.
If I'm prayed over I'm more pushed down than falling by the touch of the Spirit.
If I sound like I'm singing in tongues, it's only because I mispronounce the lyrics.
The only epiphanies heaven sends me are when I experience the fullness of nature realizing that there must be a Creator. Because how can a sweep of air be so refreshing after spending a day inside? Or how can glistening water avert my eyes from the busyness of life? Or how can a million different choices of natural everyday occurrences bring to mind the idea of God?
(How is it possible for a person to miss out on these common occasions?)
And you know, this whole life spent going after God is so completely different from anything I know. It's even different from perceptions and misconceptions about what Christianity is. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm just too relaxed about it. I don't think that's a crime though. God created me to semi-slouch in my chair at church. To close my eyes during the sermon and look like I'm sleeping when I'm actually completely at peace - the only perfect peace I know and it's spent in the presence of the Almighty.
I don't think any of that truly explains why this God connection is the way it is; that's just my experience I told you of. What makes it so unique is the Lord's continual faithfulness even though "continual faithfulness" is quite repetitive. That's the thing. God's repetitive in His nature when connecting with us. Yet each repetition is unique.
When on one day I'm going through hell - beginning to understand I'm leaving everything from the comfort of my own bed to the ritualistic drives down Federal Furnace, and understanding that in two months all of my loved ones will only be a voice on a phone. When on one day I nearly lose it. Crying. And all together freaking out, God shows up. He meets me on a bench in the cemetery behind School Street. As I sit there I notice Him just in the way the wind rustles the leaves. In the way my eyes can scan and rescan the horizon but always see something new. Like God just put it there as if it were some game of Hide & Seek or Peek-a-boo. And each time I just say, "I love you."
Other days the Lord still meets me, but this time it's different. The repetitive meetings will always go on, but they won't be in the same place, the same time, or anything similar other than the fact that God is faithful to us. The Lord's repetition is his faithfulness.
And that faithfulness is not one that's always reciprocated in myself. I don't always show the Lord the same faithfulness that's seemingly due Him. An almost obligated faithfulness that says, "Since the Lord did this for me, I must do that for Him." He's faithful no matter what. And I don't get it. But I go along with it. And I live a life as sacrificial to God as much as I know how. One that fails plenty of times. But one that also succeeds on occasion. One that strives to get to God however getting to God can be got. And one that says, "Hey Lord," because most of the time I don't actually know what to say.
In the end, God is faithful. So I'll trust Him. Somehow.
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